On coming just as I am…

 I’ve been having a little bit of a meltdown lately. I’m not sure what it is but the littlest things have made me cry and I’ve had the overwhelming desire to crawl up in the lap of my heavenly Daddy, have him stroke my hair and whisper in my ear that everything was going to be ok… that things wouldn’t always be the way they were today. Not knowing what’s happening in my body for sure or what the future holds ( like we ever really know?) combined with living with the day to day symptoms and feeling more and more distanced from the peppy, active, normal life I used to have weighed heavily on my heart. I haven’t wanted to cry about, haven’t wanted to be whiny or a burden… to people, to friends, to Jesus. I mean, didn’t they all take such good care of me during the whiny, single, unsure of how to support Hayden years? Hadn’t everyone paid their dues? And then I got married…  it was time for my happily ever after. I kept thinking that surely as they had all handed me over to Ryan, it had come with a sigh of relief, that less care on their part would be required now. When I couldn’t walk, I remember trying to hide it as long as possible. I didn’t want to scare people, didn’t want to burden them. It hadn’t been enough time. How could I be so needy again so soon? What was God doing? These people were tired and had lives of their own. God had other people to help. He had sent me a Ryan, provided for me, given me the fairy tale ending we all dream of. What could I possibly ask for now?? I felt so blessed that somehow it did seem right need him to bless me again in different ways. Why was I the kid who was always asking for something?

Growing up, I was such a needy little girl, from such a needy little family. We had seven kids who we regularly struggled to provide for. I remember falling asleep to the sound of my mom and dad talking, praying, and crying struggling to figure it out countless times. I always needed a ride to church. I often borrowed a dollar in the lunch room to pay for a little Debbie Zebra Stripes snack cake for dessert that I never repaid because I didn’t have one. Our cars were always breaking down and we always needed financial assistance. If I went to church camp, it was because someone sponsored me. I felt like such a burden to the world. I couldn’t wait until the time that I could take care of people instead of being taken care of. I didn’t know yet that we always need one another in some way, we can’t take turns needing completely. All of the things in life I needed, the one I needed the most was my brother Matt. He and Jesus were the safe place in the world where all was right. But in those early years I knew Matt better than I knew Jesus, plus I could see him. Bonus J When Matt died it created such a vacuum of neediness that I tried to fill in so many ways, through marriage, through ministry, through business. I didn’t want to be so needy again so soon.

This morning as I was crying my eyes out like a big whiny, needy baby to the song “Come just as you are” its words struck me in a way they simply never have before. Come just as you are ( whiny, needy, AGAIN) and receive strength for today ( he knows I’ll be a different kind of needy tomorrow and isn’t put off by it) taste the living water and never thirst again ( never be unsure of where to bring your need again) Come and see, come and receive.  Come and see, Christ my King. Don’t you hear the spirit call? ( Don’t you hear him saying that it matters to him? Don’t you know where rest is found? Can’t you feeling it stirring?  In your soul?)

The thought of needing Ryan to do the dishes, or take Hayden to school or even schedule in ( Stacey Rests) on our vacation itinerary forever doesn’t excite me much and I pray that Gods healing power intervenes sooner than later… but Im learning that if it should… God is not disgusted by my need, nor are the people he has placed in my life. He has an unlimited supply of little Debbie zebra snack cakes with my name written on them and he’s not even worried about the dollar… he knows I can’t pay it back. He hasn’t grown tired of being himself, of doing all the things he promised to do. Rescuing, redeeming, healing, comforting, revealing, guiding, leading, providing. This is such good news for such a needy girl like me. And good news for you, being the needy little human that you are. Whatever you need today, he’s not upset to provide in abundance. Come and see, come receive strength for today ( he knows you will need more for tomorrow, that’s ok) Taste the living water…. And never thirst again.  Will you respond to the spirits call and come with me, just as you? Needy, tired, broken, afraid, addicted… hear the spirits call… hear it today and again tomorrow and the day after that. Come, get your little Debbie snack cake of choice, no repayment necessary.